It is well... Isn't it?

The pregnancy test results were negative.

I sat there, dipping stick after stick into the cup, praying, “Please… please… just one positive… just ONE positive please…”

I stopped myself after the sixth test stick.

Each three-minute round felt like an eternity. Then there was the gut-wrenching hurt as one by one, each test strip showed a clear, non-negotiable negative.

Throughout the weekend, I kept getting confirmation after confirmation that God wants me to seek His kingdom first and THEN He will give us a child.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,
and all these things will be added to you.
~ Matthew 6:33

The more times I heard it, however, it just felt like God was holding my child hostage… I found myself asking God, “How much more of me do you want??? How much more of me do I have to sacrifice to You??? How much more proof of my love for You do You need??? I am so tired. I just don’t think I have enough fight left in me…”

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden,
And I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me,
For I am gentle and lowly in heart,
And you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
~ Matthew 11:30

At this point, I don’t feel solace. I don’t feel hope. I’m just focusing on preparing myself for more invasive ultrasounds, more meds, and more counting, calculating, and timing. My mind feels clouded, and my heart feels grieved at the child that could have been ours.

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You.
Through it all, through it all
It is well.

So let go, my soul, and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul.
~ Bethel Music

I’m trying desperately to fix my eyes on Him… to console my soul into knowing that it is well… But right now, my soul just feels exhausted.

Perspective

It is amazing how a small change in perspective is all you need sometimes to breathe a little better. These past few weeks, Jin and I have been digging deeper into God in prayer. As we continue to ask and seek for a child of our own, God has been doing what God does best: work on our hearts.

When I was younger, I would remind myself that every hardship I went through was actually training. I was being trained and strengthened in my resiliency and resolve to hold on to him and worship in spite of it all. God reminded me of this last night at Thursday Night Service:

Vicky, this isn’t merely a trial for you. This is no ordinary hardship or road block you are going through.. This is your training.

I am training you to pray through this desert; I am training you to worship through this valley. In a few months’ time… in a few years’ time… while you are still pregnant… when your kids have all grown up and are off on their own… I will bring you people who are going through the exact pain you are now enduring.

And you are going to need this training to be effective in your intercession for them.

It was a heartbreaking. In that moment, I knew He knew my pain more intimately than I will ever understand.

On the way home, Jin shared a revelation he had while praying. God had to endure the pain of sending His only Son to die. Compared to that, the pain that we’re going through right now is difficult but bearable.

I am supposed to take a pregnancy test tomorrow morning. Doctor’s order was to take the test Saturday, then call her office on Monday with the result. Of course, Jin and I are praying for a positive result. We’re praying that we don’t have to go through IUI or IVF - a process that’s said to be physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially taxing.

There is a small part of me that’s too scared to take the test and wants to avoid it altogether.

What if it’s negative? Can I handle another let down? I’m just starting to put myself back together again. I’m just starting to reclaim the person I used to be before the reality of my only-partially-functional body came crashing down on me. What if I fall apart all over again?

I keep reminding myself that what’s got to be done has got to be done - that I must have faith that God always answers prayers in His time.

Now if I can only be brave enough to pee on a stick.

Readiness

Jin and I have been praying more these days. I believe this is what God was waiting for. Since we got married, a lot of past scars we didn’t even know existed surfaced - old hurts that, thanks to our negligence, got infected and were screaming for attention. We have been dealing with these scars, one after another, for the past four years., and with each one, I have been learning just how broken we both are.

These things have brought us - especially Jin - closer to God. I see more and more of his reliance on God, and as a wife, I am so encouraged by the positive changes I see in him. As for me, God has been providing more opportunities for me to intercede in prayer again. As I see these changes in both Jin and myself, I am learning that God has actually been waiting for US:

WE needed to be freed from our past pains so that we do not inflict it on our child(ren).
WE needed to be ready to rely on Him for these smaller things because once He entrusts us with another life, we’ll need to rely on and trust Him more deeply and with greater faith.
WE needed to be experienced in fighting for each other in prayer so that we can be practiced enough to fight for our child(ren) once they are in the world.

I also see that, in spite of all that’s going on, we are truly blessed:

We are blessed to have found each other.
We are blessed to be going through these fertility issues when medicine has advanced enough for us to have options when it comes to bringing a child into this world.
We are blessed to have friends who love and support us through their time, love, and especially prayers.

Now if I can just remember these truths when I am feeling like God has somehow forgotten about us…

Waiting Well

Jin and I are officially in the two-week waiting period. My last ultrasound showed that one of my follicles had reached a decent size and was ready to be triggered. There was an injection I had to give myself to trigger the follicle burst (or whatever it’s called), then I had to start progesterone pills twice a day.

The only thing left for us is to wait two weeks before taking a pregnancy test, then call the doctor’s office with the result.

Obviously we’re praying for a positive result. I don’t know if Dr. Wang will pass us back to my regular OBGYN at that point or keep us on until the end of the pregnancy. Either way, we’ll be on our way to parenthood!

If the result turns out to be negative… Well, I’m not really sure what happens then either.

Most likely IUI.

Or maybe we’ll just say “screw it” and go full force for the IVF treatment.

Why is waiting so hard???

My prayer now is that we wait well. I don’t want to waste this time of waiting lost in my own doubts and fears. I want to wait with purpose - with an anticipation of answered prayers.

But in this moment, all I can think of is the ticking clock (both literally and figuratively).

Breaking Free

I have been working with a fertility specialist for a few weeks now. Each and every doctor I’ve met through Cedars Sinai has been kind, sympathetic, and absolutely, downright wonderful, but Dr. Wang adds a BIG dash of upbeat energy and optimism.

I went through a cycle of a medicine called Letrozole. Apparently, this is an ovulation medicine that is similar to Clomid but with better results for people with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). Oh yeah - did I mention that I have PCOS? The ONE ovary I have struggles to release eggs on a regular basis… (#fertilityfun)

After numerous ultrasounds, one of my follicles has finally responded to the Letrozole and grew big enough to be triggered! There is an injection that I will need to give myself tonight to trigger the breaking of the follicle. The hope is that when the follicle breaks, it will have an egg inside that will be released and hopefully get inseminated.

There have been so many times in the past 3+ years when Jin and I prayed… waiting with bated breath. Hoping that each time would be THE time. Waiting for the test strips to turn color and praying for the positive sign. Over time, we learned to accept each let down… or maybe we just became more jaded.

Maybe it was just me.

This time, however, I’m daring to hope. There’s a small part of me that dares to imagine THIS as the means through which we finally get a baby. This will be our breakthrough; this will be our time to break free.

Break free, broken heart!

Break free, little egg!

Not Today

Last night, a friend of mine and I got together to pray. We had both been going through some struggles within ourselves and our respective families, and we decided that we weren’t going to be Satan’s punching bag anymore. As I was finishing some accounting tasks for my church while I waited for her, I had the Hillsong radio playing in the background on Spotify, and I heard this song:

And something in my spirit clicked:
It was time to say “not today” to depression.
It was time to say “not today” to feeling worthless.
It was time to say “not today” to hopelessness.
It was time to say “not today” to fear.
It was time to say “not today” to panic.
It was time to say “not today” to anxiety.

I’ll sing the night into the morning
I’ll sing the fear into Your praise
I’ll sing my soul into Your presence
Whenever I say Your Name
Let the devil know not today

This battle won’t be easy, and I know I will feel weak and fall short at times…

But not today.

Blessed is she who has believed

I have been plagued with panic and fear as of late. It seems like my hold on God’s promises are getting weaker with each passing second. I keep reminding myself of His goodness… His promises… His faithfulness… Him.

I keep rebuking the enemy and his lies. I keep pushing back the fears, hopelessness, and the absolutely gripping sense of panic and anxiety that overcomes me and keeps me up at night - nights like tonight, where I’m sitting in the livingroom at 3:14 a.m. with no sign of sleep coming any time soon.

***

Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has promised her will be fulfilled.
~ Luke 1:45

These days, I am having trouble remembering, let alone believing. These days, I find myself wading through the thickened mud of my fears and despair rather than soaring through the air in peaceful assurance.

Jin tries - on a daily basis - to assure me that he’s in it for the long haul… that he loves me… that he’s in this with me no matter how hard the road may get. But I can’t help feeling guilty. I broke down recently telling him that if he had married anyone else, he would have the kid(s) and family that he wanted by now.

Of course it’s stupid. Of course there’s ABSOLUTELY no validity in it. It’s just an outright lie that Satan keeps whispering in my ear: “You’ve gained weight. You haven’t even given him ONE child. You’re nothing special. You’re nothing at all. You’re pitiful and an absolute shame.”

Sometimes, it feels like there’s no end to the suffocating guilt that chokes me. And in those moments, I force myself to remember:

The Lord your God will fight for you. You need only to be still.
~ Exodus 14:14

God, I need Your strength.

I need strength to believe.

I need strength to be still.

A Look Back

We’re one week short of when we officially tied the knot... four years ago.

I remember taking a half-day from work, stopping by the florist to pick up a small bouquet, then meeting the hubs at his place to go to the Beverly Hills Courthouse. I remember standing there in front of a handful of friends and family, repeating a set of generic vows read to us by a random judge, exchanging our wedding bands (which we would quickly put back in their boxes for safekeeping until the ceremony), then being declared “Man & Wife”.

At that point, we knew a lot of things for sure:

We knew that we loved each other;
We knew that we wanted to do life together for as long as God will allow us; and
We knew we wanted kids.

Plural.

After that, the ceremony and the honeymoon flew by, and we started trying for a baby. We told people that we were simply “not preventing,” but every time my cycle was late, there was a glimmer of hope.

Then, one day, my cycle was beyond late. All the tests were negative, but there was no sign of Aunt Flow. Numerous hospital visits and tests later, we found out that I had a cyst in my left ovary about the size of a basketball. It was obviously too big to go away on its own, so I had to get an ovarian cystectomy. I remember signing the waivers at the hospital - one for the removal of the cyst and the second in case they have to remove the ovary altogether. Surgery was set for the end of January 2018.

Friends’ voices saying, “Don’t worry. PLENTY of people go on to have multiple kids with just one ovary,” kept swirling around my head, and I remember praying for the best outcome as I drifted off on the table.

It’s been over a year since the surgery, and we are still trying. I have gone through periods of avoiding Instagram and Facebook because it was FILLED with pregnancy/birth announcements or photos of people’s babies and toddlers doing the most “gosh darned” things. It was unbearable to think that what Jin and I have been praying and waiting for, others were getting so easily… some, even when they didn’t even want it. I had to listen to other people’s excitement over a new development or milestone… and even to some lamenting the death of life as they knew it. Each time, I had to remind myself that God has His timing, and our only job is to be faithful, pray, seek, and wait.

Since the surgery, we’ve hit some more roadblocks, but thank God for modern medicine. Now they have medicine that will help your body do all the things it’s SUPPOSED to do. (Don’t even get me started on the frustration and anger about my seemingly non-functional body.)

At this point, we’re still praying that God will allow us to have even just ONE child. As it is, we’re not sure if and when this will happen. I always felt like God has given me a yearning to be a mother, as well as the gifting to match. Every student I came across - either at church or through work - felt like my own and I approached each relationship as such. And now that it feels like it’s FINALLY my turn to have a child of my own and build a family, it just seems so hopelessly far from reach…