Blessed is she who has believed

I have been plagued with panic and fear as of late. It seems like my hold on God’s promises are getting weaker with each passing second. I keep reminding myself of His goodness… His promises… His faithfulness… Him.

I keep rebuking the enemy and his lies. I keep pushing back the fears, hopelessness, and the absolutely gripping sense of panic and anxiety that overcomes me and keeps me up at night - nights like tonight, where I’m sitting in the livingroom at 3:14 a.m. with no sign of sleep coming any time soon.

***

Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has promised her will be fulfilled.
~
Luke 1:45

These days, I am having trouble remembering, let alone believing. These days, I find myself wading through the thickened mud of my fears and despair rather than soaring through the air in peaceful assurance.

Jin tries - on a daily basis - to assure me that he’s in it for the long haul… that he loves me… that he’s in this with me no matter how hard the road may get. But I can’t help feeling guilty. I broke down recently telling him that if he had married anyone else, he would have the kid(s) and family that he wanted by now.

Of course it’s stupid. Of course there’s ABSOLUTELY no validity in it. It’s just an outright lie that Satan keeps whispering in my ear: “You’ve gained weight. You haven’t even given him ONE child. You’re nothing special. You’re nothing at all. You’re pitiful and an absolute shame.”

Sometimes, it feels like there’s no end to the suffocating guilt that chokes me. And in those moments, I force myself to remember:

The Lord your God will fight for you. You need only to be still.
~
Exodus 14:14

God, I need Your strength.

I need strength to believe.

I need strength to be still.