Any Day Now...

Last Thursday marked the 37th week of my pregnancy, meaning I’m now at full term. Isabelle is now comfortably resting in the womb and rolling around throughout the day (“comfortably” being very much a relative term here). We’re just waiting for her to drop as a signal that she’s ready to come out. There are people who had their first child as early as 35 weeks, and there are those around us who had theirs as late as 42 weeks.

So… I guess she’ll be here any day now.

At 6 lbs. 11 oz., Belle has fully turned, so now, her head is at the bottom, her spine is to my right, and her buttocks are right at the top. This means that I’ve been walking around the last couple weeks with a lopsided tummy. It also means that Jin and I have really gotten into poking her butt whenever we want to get her attention.

Actually, it’s mostly me.

She’s still sunny-side up, which means she’s facing the sky. The doctor told me that the optimal position is for her to be facing down, but there’s nothing we can do to get her into that position, so the ball’s in her court.

Sleeping has been a challenge as of late. I wake up 2-3 times a night either because Belle doesn’t like the way I’m sleeping and kicks me awake, or she’s pressing down on my bladder and I have to pee. This, plus staying away from caffeine means I’m sitting at work feeling like a zombie on most days. I find myself treasuring the weekends when I can take as many naps as I want throughout the day and still go to bed at 10:30 PM. So when people tell me to get as much sleep NOW while I still can, it makes me wonder exactly how much sleep I WON’T be getting once she’s here and the nightly feeding/changing merry-go-round begins.

And as much as I’m looking forward to seeing her, holding her… and getting to really know this tiny new human, I’m trying to enjoy what last few days I have left in my pregnancy as much as possible.

Week THIRTY-THREE: A Look Back at 2020

2020 was a bizarre and difficult year for everyone. With COVID-19 wreaking havoc across the world, our friends and families were not exempt from the negative effects of the virus - we know people who have been furloughed, individuals who have lost large portions of their income, people who have tested positive for COVID-19 and recovered… as well as those who have not.

And while 2020 was a difficult year where Jin and I have had to make adaptations both big and small, we looked back at the beginning of 2021 and realized that the things we are thankful for FAR outweigh the sacrifices and changes we have had to make.

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Isabelle Park

Earlier in the year, COVID-19 forced us to hit pause on our IVF procedure. It was difficult to accept that after so many years of undergoing one procedure after another, we were being told that we would have to wait some more. The anger and frustration was amplified by reports of people calling the pandemic a hoax and refusing to wear a mask to “protect their freedom and right to breathe oxygen”.

Thankfully, we were given the greenlight after only a few weeks, and we were able to move forward after a brief hiatus. We know people who underwent multiple rounds of IVF, and we were bracing ourselves for the possibility of having a difficult conversation about whether we would be able to afford a second round at all. Our little one was resilient and strong, and we were blessed with a positive pregnancy result. From that point on, 2020 rushed by in a blur with Jin and myself marveling at each milestone, ultrasound image or heartbeat. She passed every test thrown at her either as a normal part of the pregnancy screening or because my age put us both at risk.

As she was an answered promise from God, we named her Isabelle, and we have been affectionately calling her Belle at home. And while the kicks and stretches in the tummy isn’t anything new anymore, I still can’t help but giggle and wonder at the progress she is making.

A New Home

With Belle on the way, we knew we would have to move - we needed a place that wasn’t a sweat lodge in the summer and an igloo in the winter; we wanted a place where we didn’t have to worry about access to a machine whenever we needed to do laundry; and we needed a place where we had ample space for a baby. Since we got married, we saved as much as we could to put towards a down payment for a home. Of course, our savings took a hit with all the fertility treatments, so we didn’t have as much as we needed for a down payment. So instead, we decided that we would save less each month and find another place we can rent - even if L.A.’s rent costs are ridiculously high. We looked and looked, but anything within our price range wasn’t much better than where we were - and anything that was close to what we wanted would cost too much.

Our luck turned: we were able to secure enough funds for a down payment, and we happily started our search for a new home. There were times when we almost gave up - it seemed like our sour luck with apartment hunting was going to apply to our house hunt as well. Eventually, we found a place that checked off all the must-haves on our list, and towards the end of December, we were able to move in to our first home!

We are still in the process of finding a place for everything and putting Belle’s room together, but everyday, we’re so thankful that we can bring her home from the hospital to a place of our own - a place where we will start building many treasured memories as a family of three.

Security

COVID-19 took a huge toll on the economy. There were people losing large chunks of their income or their jobs altogether. Businesses were being shuttered; people were unable to pay rent; jobs, work places, and the very idea of work/life balance changed. Jin has been working from home since March/April, and I’ve been reluctantly and cautiously reporting to the office each day. We don’t get to go out for our weekend brunches, and we definitely miss our random date nights to the movies or our leisurely strolls through The Grove, Promenade or the Santa Monica Pier.

However, we are very aware that we are faring MUCH better than most of the people in the world. We haven’t missed a paycheck yet; we both have secure jobs; and we’ve been able to enjoy minimal interruptions to our lifestyle. We realize that this, too, is a gift from God - a provision of grace that we are beyond blessed to receive.

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2020 was a difficult year, but it was one that Jin and I are immensely thankful for. It stretched us and forced us to grow in a lot of ways: resiliency, patience, love, thankfulness, and worship. And we look forward to all that 2021 will bring - especially the birth of Isabelle.

Week THIRTY: Broccoli, zucchini and a Slinky Dog... Oh my!

Jin mentioned that I haven’t posted in a while. Since our last ultrasound, it’s been nothing but monthly doctor appointment with 2-3-minute glimpses to see how she’s doing, what position she’s in, and how she’s progressing in the most general ways.

A few days into the twenty-second week of pregnancy, I felt her move for the first time. It was a teeny, tiny blurp, and it felt weird, shocking, and amazing.

Of course, I cried.

Since then, she’s been moving more often, and her movements have gotten bigger. I am now fully accustomed to getting kicked awake in the middle of the night, and she is not shy about doing the happy dance after a meal. There have been times when the kicks are so hard that it gets hard to breathe, but no matter what kind of mood she’s in, she immediately calms down when Jin starts talking to her. It can be a song, his “word of the day”, or just a recounting of his day - she seems to be soothed by her papa’s voice.

Today, we reach the 30th week of pregnancy, and she is about the size of a bunch of broccoli, a zucchini, or one of those old school Slinky Dogs. She’ll be approximately 16 in. long, and weigh in at around 3 lbs.

And I feel every bit of her growth.

Week TWENTY-ONE: 5, 5, 10, and A Good Heart

Last week, I went in for the 20th week anatomy scan. The little one was facing backwards and would not turn around. The tech said that there were ways to coax her to move, but the way she shoved and rattled my stomach, I thought she may as well start yelling and making threats.

Needless to say, I wasn’t too fond of her bedside manner, and apparently, neither was the little one - she kept her back towards us and wiggled around a bit but otherwise didn’t budge.

Thankfully, the doctor was able to see enough images to determine that the little one was progressing along just fine. We only caught a glimpse of her left hand, and she wouldn’t show us her face for anything, but all the other measurements and brain developments showed that she was healthy and right on track. She came in at 12 oz., and although she was too “tall” to measure her height anymore, all her measurements put her at the 40th percentile. The doctor mentioned that he had to reschedule the anatomy scan so that he can get the remaining images to just make sure that we covered all our bases.

So today, I had to go back for a second try at the ultrasound, then stay for a Fetal Echocardiogram. Apparently, babies conceived through IVF have a higher chance of congenital heart defects, so this was highly recommended for us.

Thankfully, I got a different ultrasound tech today.

The little one was in the exact same position - facing backward with no sign of turning around any time soon - but this time, the tech actually tried to coax her, speaking gently to her the whole time. No go, but it was still better than the last tech because the little one actually moved a lot more.

Then I had a go at trying to convince her.

And she turned.

Not all the way, but just enough for us to get all the images we need:

Profile (skull & nasal bone)

Five fingers on her right hand

Five fingers on her left hand

Ten toes on her tiny little feet

She weighed in at 15 oz. - 1 oz. shy of a full pound! She landed right at the 76th percentile, and she was healthy - no signs of cleft palate, spinal defects, or any developmental delays. Then came the echocardiogram.

After another 45 minutes of ultrasound sonography, we found out that she had a good, strong heart, and everything is where they’re supposed to be, functioning exactly the way they’re supposed to.

And now if I can just feel her moving so I can finally know what all the fuss is about.

Week FOURTEEN: The Results Are In

Our genetic counselor called to let us know the results of the NIPT. The tests showed that our little girl was perfectly normal and healthy! Jin and I were fairly confident that she would be, but there was a teeny, tiny part of us that was still nervous about the what-ifs.

Thankfully, she’s healthy, and every appointment to date has shown that she’s hitting all the benchmarks in her development and growth. We are over the moon about each development we get to learn about (both through pregnancy apps and doctor visits), and we’re praying that the rest of the pregnancy will go smoothly.

As for me, individually, I’m just waiting for the day when the morning sickness will stop.

Week TWELVE: Our Little Jumping Roo

Between weeks eleven and thirteen, you’re supposed to get tests done to screen for genetic abnormalities. There are two tests you must complete:

• Nuchal Translucency: an ultrasound that measures the thickness of the fluid collected behind the baby’s neck. A measurement of 3 mm of more means there’s a possibility of the baby being born with a birth defect.

• Chorionic Villus Sampling (CVS): a test that studies the baby’s genetic makeup and determines whether he/she has a chromosomal condition. The test is conducted by taking a sample of the placenta (either through the cervix or the abdomen). This test carries a risk of miscarriage with it - the chance of it is less than 1%, but if it can be avoided, why not?

• Non-Invasive Prenatal Testing (NIPT): a test that studies the baby’s DNA through the mama’s blood. This test doesn’t conclusively tell you whether the baby has a chromosomal condition, but it can tell you the likelihood of it by up to 99.99%. And because it is a simple blood test, it doesn’t carry a risk of miscarriage.

The nuchal translucency is something I had to do, but I had an option between the NIPT and CVS. Luckily, our OBGYN said that because we completed chromosomal tests on all the embryos before the transfer, there was no need for a CVS (only if the results from the NIPT raises any red flags).

The NIPT was not all that interesting - just another blood draw.

The nuchal translucency was a completely different story. Before even starting, the ultrasound tech asked me if I felt the baby move. At my last appointment, the baby was 2.4 cm… how much more could she have grown??? And how active could she be???

Then she started the ultrasound, and I immediately knew why she started with that question.

This little one would NOT stay still.

She rolled around, squirmed, and even used her legs to jump off the placenta wall and bounce around. She was moving around so much that the tech had to stop and wait for her to calm down a bit so that she could get all the measurements she needed (she never really calmed all the way down… ever).

Thankfully, the nuchal translucency measured the fluid thickness at 2.1 mm - well under the 3 mm cut-off.

And we saw that she was now 6.4 cm, and got some new photos of the little one:

She now has a nasal bone!

Her fingers made a fist that kept bopping up and down each time she jumped.

Her legs kept pushing and jumping off the placenta wall.

She was active, and maybe it was my imagination, but she looked happy. It was one of the giddiest moments I’ve ever had in my life - the tech and I couldn’t stop laughing at her movement. It was a bummer that Jin couldn’t be there with me to see her bouncing and jumping (again, thank you, COVID), but I’ll be able to FaceTime with him at my next appointment, so hopefully, she’ll be just as active so that her papa can see her in action too!

Week ELEVEN: Appetites Change

There are a lot of things that pregnant women are told to stay away from. Thankfully, I haven’t had many cravings thus far (mostly due to the nausea), but there are somethings I used to LOVE that now make me gag. Fortunately, these are all things I’m told to stay away from:

• Runny yolks (poached, over-easy, slightly under-baked, etc.)

• Coffee

• Tuna

Then, there are those things that I am allowed to eat that still make me gag:

• Pork

• Pasta in creamy sauce

• Haagen Dazs Strawberry (will have to experiment with vanilla next)

And lastly, there are things I didn’t really like before that I eat regularly (if only to keep the nausea at bay):

• Tomatoes

• Plum

• Anything else that’s tart and sweet

I’d be okay not eating all the food I love if only the nausea would just go away.

Week NINE: A Little Green Olive

Who knew how hard it would be to carry a teeny, tiny, olive-sized baby???

My mom and aunt warned me about morning sickness. All the women in the family had it REALLY bad - my mom could barely hold down water until the eighth month - and they were both afraid that I would carry on the family trait and suffer through the entire process.

The nausea started EXACTLY at the seven-week mark.

Like clockwork.

Then the vertigo kicked in.

Then I threw out my back… dry-heaving into the toilet.

Fun times.

BUT, the great news is that our little one is doing fantastic! She’s growing well, her heartbeat is strong, and at our 9-week check-up, we were able to see what actually looked like a tiny person in there:

She measured at 2.4 cm, her heartbeat was measured at 174 BPM, and Jin and I were over the moon when we saw her on the screen with her little heart fluttering so mightily.

The next appointment will be to meet with a genetic counselor and run a test to rule out Down Syndrome along with an ultrasound to measure her neck so that we can rule out other genetic abnormalities as well. It will definitely be one of the more nerve-wracking doctor visits for us, but we have absolute faith that the amount of prayers that have already been poured out on behalf of this little one for the past nearly five years will cover her securely.

Until then, we’re going to enjoy our little one as much as the nausea will allow.

IVF (Fin): 124

Yesterday, I went in for my final appointment with our fertility doctor. It was a bittersweet moment. On one hand, I was thrilled that I was finally pregnant and no longer needed fertility treatments; on the other hand, I realized just how attached I’d gotten to the staff and our doctor. Jin, of course, joined us via FaceTime.

Our little one is now the size of a blueberry (9 mm to be more exact), which is in line with the 7-week mark, and our doctor pointed out a teeny, TINY bubble that was fluttering on the screen.

Then we heard it… her heartbeat.

That little fluttering bubble was her heart… beating at 124 BPM.

It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever heard to date.

And that includes Jin’s proposal.

Sorry, hubs.

IVF (Pt. 18): An Orange Seed

After we got the second blood test result confirming pregnancy, we shared the news with both sets of parents. Until this point, we kept our parents in the dark about the year-long treatments or the years of visiting this doctor and that, acupuncture, herbal medicines, etc. There was still a chance that pregnancy and a baby was something that just wasn’t in God’s plans for our lives, and we didn’t want them to be let down if this would ever come to be. When we told them about the pregnancy, we didn’t share the whole story - just that the little one was conceived with the help of IVF. They were thrilled, excited and happy for us.

The friends I shared the good news with are the individuals who walked with me through our fertility struggles - through prayer and constant check-ins, they made sure that we were doing ok and trucking along from one procedure to the next. They held my hand and my heart in moments when I felt like I just couldn’t go on with the next procedure… when this all felt like a far away dream.

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Yesterday was our sixth-week ultrasound. She would be the size of an orange seed, and if we were lucky, we would be able to hear the heartbeat as well. Jin is still not allowed to join me at these appointments (thank you, COVID-19), so we FaceTimed during the procedure. We couldn’t hear the heartbeat, but we got a glimpse of the little one:

Our doctor said everything looks really good, and she’s very happy.

And if she’s happy, we’re happy.

Next week, we have one last ultrasound appointment with our fertility doctor, then we’ll be moving on to the OBGYN. The progress we’re seeing feels absolutely surreal, and we thank God everyday that He’s seeing us through this journey.

IVF (Pt. 17): More Tests

There were two blood tests last week to check if our little embryo was doing well. The first would measure my HCG level to see if it was at the appropriate number to indicate whether I was pregnant or not. A second test, scheduled two days after the first, would confirm if the levels are increasing at the correct rate to confirm pregnancy.

The first test was Thursday afternoon, and because the results take about 5 hours, it would reach our doctor’s office after they close for the day. Jin and I ate dinner, not even expecting a call until the next day. We made small chit-chat about our respective days, but we kept circling back to the test result. Jin tried to gently remind me that we were still facing a 50/50 chance - it was still very possible that this would not work for us this time around.

The optimism that overflows from this man…

My appetite was shot, I was tired, and all I wanted to do was sleep (I had been sleeping a lot as of late). While Jin was finishing his last few bites, I walked over to the couch to check my phone.

There were three missed calls and a voicemail from our doctor. I grabbed the phone and pressed play.

Hi, Vicky. I was hoping to catch you on the phone, because I usually
don’t like leaving voicemails for something this personal…

I immediately stopped the voicemail, rushed back to the table, and played it over from the beginning on speakerphone. Jin and I sat in stunned silence as she told us that the results looked “really good,” and that the numbers for both my HCG and progesterone levels were within the first trimester range.

We cried tears of joy. We had FINALLY reached the next step in this journey - we were one step closer to getting our prayers answered. The important next step was to make sure that the levels were rising at the appropriate rate (about doubling in number) by Saturday.

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It was impossible to get an appointment for the test lab on Saturday, so Jin and I woke up early to get there as soon as they opened.

And then we came home and waited - something we were VERY accustomed to doing by now.

The phone call came at the end of the day: HCG levels had reached the appropriate levels, and I was confirmed pregnant at four weeks.

I sobbed tears of relief.

We shared the good news with family and some of the people who have been praying with us throughout this journey. And I was tickled to learn that at four weeks, our little girl is the size of a poppy seed.

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In about a week or so, I’ll have my 6-week ultrasound (the first one since the positive result) to get a glimpse of the embryo attached to the uterine wall and to make sure everything else was going as well as it can be.

And I’m told that by that time, the little one will be the size of an orange seed.

IVF (Pt. 16): And Now, We (Continue to) Wait

On June 9th, we transferred our first embryo.

Jin was not allowed to accompany me to the procedural room, so he had to drop me off in front of the surgery center and wait in the car until I was finished. Right before the transfer, our doctor gave me a photo of the embryo - a little mass of cells that really didn’t look like anything…

There was a TV in the procedural room, and right before they drew up the embryo into the catheter, they showed me the petri dish with my name on it, and a TEENY, TINY little dot in the middle.

“That’s your baby, Vicky!”

I swear, I kept it together until that moment.

That small little dot on the TV screen… that little speck was going to change and develop into a baby.

Our baby.

The procedure itself was quick and painless, and when it was completed, I was told to rest in the room for about 15 minutes. Of course, I FaceTimed Jin as soon as I was alone in the room to show him the photo. We came home, and I was given the rest of the week off to just rest at home.

We asked a few people to cover us in prayer as we went in for the procedure. Each person/group was very excited for us, wanting to know when the blood test is or if we have names picked out… And while I was so thankful for these individuals, there was a part of me that was too scared to celebrate with them.

What if the celebration ends up being premature???

One of the people we asked for prayer coverage is a pastor at our church. He texted to follow up, and I shared with him that we were happy and thankful to get this far, but we’re still being cautious with hope. In his reply, he reminded me that God WANTS to prove that He is FOR us, and when our expectations of Him are low, our praises of Him are equally low when He delivers.

Not if… when.

And my God deserves the highest praise.

And so, since the transfer day, I’ve been trying to teach my heart to hold him to high expectations.

IVF (Pt. 15): We're On

My COVID-19 test came back negative, and after my last appointment showed everything was still on track, we’ve been cleared for the embryo transfer! So, on Tuesday, June 9th, we will be transferring our first embryo, and if all goes well, my blood test on the 18th will show that I’m good and pregnant. Although there were plenty of times when it felt like God somehow forgot to un-pause life for our family, Jin and I are incredibly grateful that we have been able to get to this point without any additional hiccups.

Sure, COVID-19 threw us for a loop…

Sure, it would have been INFINITELY better if we got pregnant naturally…

Sure, it could all have been easier…

But there’s a lesson for Jin and myself here - a testimony that is still in the making.

A few days ago, we stopped the Lupron injections at night and started the Progesterone injections in the mornings. The progesterone is in oil form and injected right into the muscle - in other words, it is NOT pleasant. All the other injections weren’t exactly pleasant either, but this one is on another level. Each morning, the hubs preps and administers the shot, and my right hip has had a lingering soreness that has yet to go away. Once I’m pregnant, we’ll have to continue the shots until the 10th or 12th week of pregnancy.

We’re excited, but we are being incredibly cautious with hope. I don’t know if I will be able to deal with another letdown… and Jin’s not sure he can carry me through another one either. So this time, we’re taking each progress as it comes, with prayer and thanksgiving.

Enough

On May 25, 2020, George Floyd was murdered by Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin. Three other accomplices, all trusting their badges, did nothing as Chauvin knelt on Floyd’s neck - nonchalantly dismissing Floyd’s desperate cry for air - and took his life.

8 minutes & 46 seconds.

That’s how long Chauvin stayed kneeling on Floyd’s neck.

The video of this murder went viral, and people were rightfully enraged everywhere. The demand for justice was swift and loud. The officers were fired, but if history taught us anything, it was that this was yet another tiny bandage they hoped would cover or even heal the gaping wound of the African American community.

But the wound had been festering for too long.

Protests and marches were organized, and while most of these were absolutely peaceful, soon enough, local news stations showed images and footage of businesses being looted and cars and debris set on fire in the Fairfax District of Los Angeles. People ran in through smashed windows and carried out armloads of inventory that store owners no doubt only recently dusted off after finally being allowed to reopen after closures caused by the COVID-19 pandemic.

And my first thought was, “Please… please don’t let this be another Sa-I-Gu.”

“Sa-I-Gu”… 4-2-9… April 29.

“Sa-I-Gu” is the term Koreans and Korean Americans use to refer to the L.A. Riots of 1992.

It made me remember the countless news reports and interviews aired during Sa-I-Gu on Korean TV and radio stations. Korean families losing everything and absolutely helpless as the businesses they built up over YEARS went down in flames in hours. That was over 3 decades ago, but the pain, fear and anger is still very real for many members of the Korean community. I remember my mom being scared to leave the house. I remember the stories of hardship and even suicides that followed by people simply unable to recover their losses.

Jin was livid. We knew that these looters were a very small number of individuals who clearly did not understand nor reflect the Black Lives Matter movement. But it was still hard and painful to watch.

But I get it.

The United States is being exposed on a worldwide level as a nation not just founded on the genocide of an indigenous people… not just built on the backs of slaves… but sustained on the oppression and disenfranchisement of its people for the benefit of the privileged few.

And the people have had enough.

***

What you can do:

• Vote

• Demand policy changes for policing

• Contact the Mayor

• Support Black Businesses

• Read for yourself

• Read to and with the little ones

Where you can donate:

• Black Lives Matter - LA

• National Police Accountability Project

• BEAM

IVF (Pt. 14): Just a Quick Swab

Since the first ultrasound, we have been moving steadily forward. All the ultrasounds and blood tests show that my body is responding as expected to the medication, and as of my last visit, our doctor said we look to be right on schedule for our embryo transfer date in early June.

The nausea from the nightly Lupron injections were unpleasant but definitely manageable. About a week or so back, we added estrogen pills to the mix and have been steadily increasing the dosage on a calculated schedule. The latter were supposed to help with the nausea, but they seem to have missed the memo. So my days have been an ongoing cycle of nausea and indigestion, but if this is what is required for me to get pregnant, BRING IT.

I was scheduled for a COVID-19 test to ensure I was cleared to enter the transfer facility when it came time for the embryo transfer. When our doctor told me about it, I was too busy mentally jotting down the instructions for the drive-through testing process:

• Get to the testing center on time.

• Wear a mask.

• Drive up with your ID in hand.

• When instructed, open your window, lower your mask, and then they’ll just take a quick swab.

Seemed simple enough.

Once I left the hospital, it hit me:

The transfer date is so close…

Then almost immediately after:

They’re going to stick a very long swab WAY up my nose. Eww.

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The test happened yesterday, and while it was quick and painless, it was DEFINITELY unpleasant. The results should come out by next week, and if all is good, we will be on track to add even more medicines to the daily routine until D-Day!

IVF (Pt. 13): A Tiny Spark

It has been nearly two months since COVID-19 hit the pause button on our IVF treatment. The first few days were spent in a mixture of anger, disappointment, and sadness. I just couldn’t understand God’s plan for us in all this, and it didn’t help that our doctor couldn’t provide an estimate on when we could resume the treatment cycle.

A few weeks back, I got a call from our doctor suggesting I can start birth control pills in the CHANCE that Cedars allows fertility treatments to resume in May. Then yesterday, we got confirmation that we can start the last leg of our treatment! So this morning, I went in for an ultrasound and blood work, and unless something else goes awry, we’ll be able to schedule the embryo transfer in about five weeks.

The question that lingers in my mind is, “Do I dare hope again?”

There’s no guarantee that this round will work; there’s no guarantee that any of the three embryos we froze will result in a new addition to our family. So…

Do I dare hope again?

Yes.

It’s a teeny, tiny spark, but it’s there.

IVF (Pt. 12): Waiting Some More

On Wednesday, I got the call I was dreading. Our doctor called to let us know that the fertility lab was closing until further notice. All patients, whether they are pre- or mid-cycle, were to stop fertility treatments until the spread of COVID-19 is contained and the madness this virus has created is under control. We were three days into our Lupron injections, and we were two days away from starting the Estrace pills… The transfer was only three weeks away. And although the days seemed to move so much more slowly in the days since COVID-19 started taking over the news cycle, three weeks really isn’t that long of a wait.

It was heartbreaking. Throughout the phone call, I was calm, cool, and collected.

“Yes, I’m disappointed, but what are you going to do? It is what it is, and we’ll hope everything clears up sooner rather than later!”
”No, no… it’s alright… it’ll be alright. We’ll start up again as soon as this is over!”

And lots of other statements punctuated by exclamation points.

After I hung up the phone, it all came tumbling down. The teeny, tiny, wall of hope that I had finally allowed myself to build up ever so cautiously started rumbling. Cracks started to form and run in every which way, and the rubble started to fall one by one. Everything until now seemed to be going so well; everything seemed to follow the schedule set by our doctor. And now…

Yes, our embryos are still safely frozen at the lab, and, God willing, nothing will happen to them until we’re ready for the transfer.

Yes, women these days are giving birth into their early forties, so I still have “plenty of time”.

Yes, given the current situation, it’s probably better for us in the long run since no one knows the full impact of this virus on pregnant women and newborns.

But you know what? Unless you’ve been trying for five years, gone through a surgery, three IUIs, and was almost through your first IVF then cut off because of events outside of your control…

I don’t want to hear it.

IVF (Pt. 11): IVF & The Coronavirus

Our doctor called yesterday. With the coronavirus spreading more and more throughout the US, she wanted to let us know that we have an option to skip this cycle and see if a month or so can bring a more optimal time for us to go through with the implantation. We have about four weeks before the transfer, and at this point, there is a real chance that some time between now and then, Cedars-Sinai may decide to halt all non-essential procedures until the virus is contained.

And IVF is a non-essential procedure.

Our embryos will not be thawed until the morning of the transfer, so there’s no need to worry about their wellbeing. It’s just a matter of when we’ll be able to go through the actual procedure.

According to my schedule, I was supposed to start daily injections of Leuprolide Acetate (“Lupron”) tonight, then add estrogen pills to the daily mix about a week in. The injections aren’t so worrying, but estrogen pills are supposed to help thicken the lining of my uterus so that the embryos can attach. So if we were going to stop at any point, it would be optimal for us to do so before I start the estrogen pills.

Our doctor also did say that she’s not TOO worried about the virus as of yet, and that she’s comfortable with us going on with the process so long as we are. If we’re stopped mid-cycle, we’ll have to wait for the green light then replenish whatever meds we used out of our own pockets, but a quick conversation with Jin confirmed it:

We will go ahead with our original schedule.

This morning was the first ultrasound and blood draw. In addition, I had a “dry run” of the implantation procedure, where the doctor performed the transfer with all the tests, tools, and gadgets that will be used on the actual day. The only thing that was missing was the embryo, and tonight, we start the Lupron injections.

And as schools, sporting events, and even Disneyland shuts down for sake of containment, Jin and I are praying that we will be able to keep our April 9th transfer date.

IVF (Pt. 10): And The Results Are In...

On Tuesday, our doctor called with the results from the chromosomal testing. It was absolutely a relief to get the results so much sooner than we expected.

All three embryos tested normal!!!

We were beyond excited, and so was our doctor. She said she’s had patients with over 20 embryos who didn’t get three normal ones. So there definitely were tears and prayers of thanksgiving lifted up from my end. Three embryos approved for implantation meant we have three chances to get our baby girl.

Oh, did I not mention???

All three embryos turned out to be females!

Girl power indeed…

Jin and I are being cautious about hoping too much. I think this is a direct byproduct of all those times our hopes were destroyed with a negative pregnancy test result. There’s a part within each of us that wants to protect the other’s hearts from another break-and-ache, so we’re constantly reminding each other not to get too far ahead.

Our doctor said they would pick the healthiest embryo for implantation in April. Until then, Jin and I will continue to hope cautiously and pray fervently.

IVF (Pt. 9): And Then There Were Three

We got an update on our embryos last Thursday. One of the embryos was not showing any changes, so the lab techs only froze three. These three were biopsied, and the cell samples were sent off for chromosomal testing. We will most likely hear back with results by the end of next week.

Realistically, I knew that the number of embryos would dwindle with each step throughout this process. And although starting with six embryos didn’t exactly give us a good start, there was a tiny part of me hoping that all six would make it. As six turned to four and four turned to three, the reality of what we may actually have available for implantation sunk in.

When I updated Jin on the count, his response was infinitely more optimistic than mine: all three would be deemed healthy, and we’ll be able to use them to have three kids - a number I had thrown out more than a few times while we were dating. I know he did it to make me smile, and I will always and forever be grateful for his patience and positivity throughout this process.

Optimism does not come easy for the hubs.

The next step is to wait for my next cycle and start a new countdown for implantation. Usually, the implantation would have happened 2-6 days after retrieval, but our schedule got pushed back because of the chromosomal testing. The doctor said it would be about 35 days from when I start the cycle, so we’re doing more of the thing we’ve been doing so much of these past few years: waiting.