It is amazing how a small change in perspective is all you need sometimes to breathe a little better. These past few weeks, Jin and I have been digging deeper into God in prayer. As we continue to ask and seek for a child of our own, God has been doing what God does best: work on our hearts.
When I was younger, I would remind myself that every hardship I went through was actually training. I was being trained and strengthened in my resiliency and resolve to hold on to him and worship in spite of it all. God reminded me of this last night at Thursday Night Service:
Vicky, this isn’t merely a trial for you. This is no ordinary hardship or road block you are going through.. This is your training.
I am training you to pray through this desert; I am training you to worship through this valley. In a few months’ time… in a few years’ time… while you are still pregnant… when your kids have all grown up and are off on their own… I will bring you people who are going through the exact pain you are now enduring.
And you are going to need this training to be effective in your intercession for them.
It was a heartbreaking. In that moment, I knew He knew my pain more intimately than I will ever understand.
On the way home, Jin shared a revelation he had while praying. God had to endure the pain of sending His only Son to die. Compared to that, the pain that we’re going through right now is difficult but bearable.
I am supposed to take a pregnancy test tomorrow morning. Doctor’s order was to take the test Saturday, then call her office on Monday with the result. Of course, Jin and I are praying for a positive result. We’re praying that we don’t have to go through IUI or IVF - a process that’s said to be physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially taxing.
There is a small part of me that’s too scared to take the test and wants to avoid it altogether.
What if it’s negative? Can I handle another let down? I’m just starting to put myself back together again. I’m just starting to reclaim the person I used to be before the reality of my only-partially-functional body came crashing down on me. What if I fall apart all over again?
I keep reminding myself that what’s got to be done has got to be done - that I must have faith that God always answers prayers in His time.
Now if I can only be brave enough to pee on a stick.