The pregnancy test results were negative.
I sat there, dipping stick after stick into the cup, praying, “Please… please… just one positive… just ONE positive please…”
I stopped myself after the sixth test stick.
Each three-minute round felt like an eternity. Then there was the gut-wrenching hurt as one by one, each test strip showed a clear, non-negotiable negative.
Throughout the weekend, I kept getting confirmation after confirmation that God wants me to seek His kingdom first and THEN He will give us a child.
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,
and all these things will be added to you.
~ Matthew 6:33
The more times I heard it, however, it just felt like God was holding my child hostage… I found myself asking God, “How much more of me do you want??? How much more of me do I have to sacrifice to You??? How much more proof of my love for You do You need??? I am so tired. I just don’t think I have enough fight left in me…”
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden,
And I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me,
For I am gentle and lowly in heart,
And you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
~ Matthew 11:30
At this point, I don’t feel solace. I don’t feel hope. I’m just focusing on preparing myself for more invasive ultrasounds, more meds, and more counting, calculating, and timing. My mind feels clouded, and my heart feels grieved at the child that could have been ours.
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You.
Through it all, through it all
It is well.
So let go, my soul, and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
It is well with my soul.
~ Bethel Music
I’m trying desperately to fix my eyes on Him… to console my soul into knowing that it is well… But right now, my soul just feels exhausted.