Sleep Training

My Dearest Belle,

Yesterday, Papa and I ended up starting sleep training partially on a whim and partially out of desperation.

It was a Saturday night, and we had gone through your bedtime routine already. At the end, for some reason, your swaddle wouldn’t fit. The swaddles fit perfectly fine until the night before, but last night, for some unexplainable reason, the Velcro just wouldn’t line up, the sides wouldn’t wrap just right, and it was just a hot mess. We even tried the bigger size swaddle, but it ended up giving you so much wiggle room that your arms squirmed free in minutes. We swaddled you the best we could, and Papa took you in as usual. Papa sat in the rocking chair holding you fast asleep for 20+ minutes. Then you stirred… and kept stirring… and kept stirring…

After close to 40+ minutes of holding you and rocking you back to sleep time and again, he put you down in your crib (awake), came out, and said, “Let’s just start sleep training tonight.”

Up until this point, we talked about which method we would employ, how we would implement it, what to expect… but we just couldn’t settle on one method. I was leaning toward full extinction (just rip off the band-aid), but Papa was leaning more towards the Ferber methods with the check-ins. I’ve read so many people’s experiences with Ferber - the check-ins ended up upsetting the babies more, so after a few days, people ended up resorting to full extinction anyway.

So last night, we decided to rip the band-aid.

We walked in together, turned on the night light (you were fully awake anyway), took off your swaddle, put on a sleep sack, took away your pacifier, pillow, and all other loose cloths in the crib, then we kissed a crying/screaming you good night, reassured you that we love you, have faith in you, and will see you in the morning and turned off the night light.

Then we walked out.

Papa ate chips and salsa to keep himself distracted.

I sat there and cried with you.

Your cries and screams were heartbreaking. It felt like someone was tearing my heart into shreds.

You rolled over onto your tummy, but you arm was stuck, so I had to go in there to get it out. And although Papa put on a strong face, I think it was tearing him up too - he kept insisting that I go in to fix this or fix that while he just kept stuffing his face with chips and salsa.

Each time, I went in, did what I needed to do, kissed you good night again, and walked out…

And broke down all over again.

Then, a little short of an hour of crying, you stopped. You just put your head down and fell asleep.

There were moments when you would wake up, look around, get fussy, or sometimes even just cry. But you always put your head back down and fell back asleep. I was so thankful to you and so proud of you! Papa and I were amazed at how well you were adapting!

Today, we used extinction method on your naps as well. You cried for an average of 5-15 minutes then fell asleep. You had bouts of waking up and crying, but you just kept going back to sleep… and slept for two hours for each nap!

Tonight is Independence Day, which means there are a lot of knuckleheads out there popping off illegal fireworks in unsanctioned public places - including our neighborhood. We were worried that this would mess up your sleep training. All those tears and screams would have been for nothing.

But you, my love…

You slept.

And slept.

Not a stir from all the fireworks.

Just sound sleep.

You are, without a doubt, a wonderful, precious, lovely, and beautiful miracle in all shapes and forms. Thank you for being so amazing!!!

Love always,
Mama

Four-Month Check-Up

My Dearest Belle,

Today, we went in for your four-month check-up. I was a bit nervous because this would be the first time I took you in alone. Before, Papa would drive and wait in the car during your check-up (because COVID), then we would all drive back together. Thankfully, you were wonderful in the car - no fussing, no crying… just wonderful.

You measured 28.27 in. long, and weighed 17 lbs. 3 oz. - right on par for a TEN-MONTH OLD! The figures amazed the nurse, Dr. Phillips, and us! You are growing so steadily and are so healthy! Papa and I are thankful to God everyday.

You also got your second round of immunization shots, and you barely let out a cry! You needed to get two shots and take one medicine today. I was worried about how much you would cry with these shots - the same way I was worried about them at your two-month check-up. And just like your two-month check-up, you got the shots, whined a little, and then you were done! The medicine was a sugary syrup that you definitely didn’t mind, so I was able to feed you in the room in peace before we packed up and headed out.

Seriously, my love… you are a champ!

Dr. Phillips said that you’re nearly ready for solids too! How exciting! We’re making plans to start with soft veggies (cooked carrots, avocados, etc.) then introduce fruits (most likely starting with bananas). We’ll have to wait a couple weeks to do it, but we’re so excited that you’ll be hitting this milestone soon!

We’ve also been given the green light to drop your swaddle and start weaning your night feeds so that we can start pushing you to sleep through the night. We were told to feed you a full meal at 11 PM or midnight, then let you sleep through (if you can). The thought of getting more sleep… of Papa and me actually being able to sleep at the same time…

Heavenly.

But this means we need to sleep train you. I’ve been both dreading and looking forward to sleep training. I know it’s necessary, but I just don’t know if I have what it takes to sit there and listen to you cry yourself to sleep… It is, however, a crucial life skill that will benefit you for literally the rest of your life.

So… therefore… I must be strong.

Not just for the sake of Papa and my sleep, but for you, my love. It’s all always for you.

Love always,
Mama

Month FOUR

My Dearest Belle,

You are four months old today!!!

You’ve gained more chubs in your arms and thighs - your thighs finally have those cute and plump rolls that I LOVE in babies! Your cheeks have filled out more too! When you smile, they plump up and out, and it’s all I can do to stop myself from pinching and squeezing them!

You’ve mastered rolling onto your tummy, and you’re an absolute champ at it! Any time I leave you on the floor and walk away, I come back to find you on your tummy… most of the time complaining that it’s too tiring. Papa and I are hoping that you rolling from tummy to back on your own is not too far behind - that will give us MUCH MORE peace about starting sleep training with you. To date, we still need to put you to bed with a full swaddle - partly because your startle reflex is still pretty strong; partly because we’re just not ready ourselves. These days, we’ve gotten in the habit of holding you for at least 20 minutes after you’ve fallen asleep, then taking painstaking care to gently put you down in your crib, then finally placing a hand on your chest and tapping you until you’re fully out. I think this means we’ll have to find a weighted sleep sack for you to transition to… or anything else that will make the sleep training process easier - both for you and us.

I’m already dreading sleep training you. We’ll most likely go with the extinction method, but I’m already cracking at the thought of sitting there listening to you crying… and crying… and crying.

And, Peanut, when you cry, you don’t JUST cry.

You wail.

And scream.

Sigh…

During the last month, we have also had the absolute pleasure of hearing you not just giggle or laugh, but guffaw. It was the sweetest, cutest, more precious sound I had ever heard in the world! I would have continued the ridiculous act just to keep hearing that sound, but it definitely felt like you needed a break to catch your breath.

Lastly, you’ve always been talkative with me, but these days, I swear it feels like I’m having conversations with you - your tone, inflections, facial expressions… I’ve gotten in the habit of repeating “엄~마! 아~빠!” to you in the hopes that you’ll repeat it. I know that it will happen one day soon, but I keep hoping each time that by some miracle, it’ll happen that day. I can’t wait to hear your first word… and if it’s “아빠” or “papa”… well, Papa will end up melting all over, and you’ll always and forever be regarded as his Papa’s Girl.

And you can DEFINITELY kiss dating goodbye until you turn 30.

Or at least be ready for Papa to drive you to the date and sit 2 tables away at the restaurant…

Or sit between you and your date at the theater…

Or walk 10 ft. behind you while you’re on your stroll…

Or stand right outside the photo booth - with the curtain open…

So maybe it’s best that you say “엄마” first.

All this feels like eons away, but we know that it will happen at the blink of an eye. So we’re trying to soak it all in… soak YOU all in… as much as possible - in as much detail as possible.

Love always,
Mama

Father’s Day

My Dearest Belle,

Today was Papa’s first Father’s Day!

And it’s all thanks to you~

You made him a papa - just like you made me a mama.

And what a papa he is…

I honestly don’t know anyone who can love you more or better than Papa. His humor, his care, his obsession with your safety… It drives me crazy sometimes, but that’s just ONE of the ways he knows how to show you he cares.

I gave Papa his Father’s Day present a few weeks back, so there were no surprises. I did want him to see you with the onesies in the picture above as soon as he woke up, but you had other plans in mind:

So I had to take you in to the bathroom to wash you down and change you. It also meant that Papa woke up from the noise and came in to help me with the whole process. He saw you with the stained onesie, and we both had a great laugh. Of course, I threw the onesie in the laundry machine, and we agreed to pretend he didn’t see it yet and act surprised when he woke up from his full sleep.

You’ll come to see, feel and appreciate Papa in all his wacky warmth, and I can’t wait to sit with you and talk about how silly, goofy, and absolutely lovable he is… at times.

The day went by quickly (like most days with you). We went to see both grandfathers and came home for a quiet dinner and evening. Papa put you to sleep (like he does on most nights), and I spent the time alone in the living room thanking God that He gave me a partner who is so absolutely, undoubtedly, head-over-heels in love with both of us.

Love always,
Mama

Just Roll With It

My Dearest Belle,

You rolled over on your own today!!!

All those weeks of practicing with you (much to your protests) finally paid off! Papa and I are over-the-moon proud of you! The first time it happened, I thought it may have been a fluke. Then, you did it again… and again!

I was having a truly #ProudMamaMoment, and I wanted to let the world know that you were progressing in your development in stride! I know that there will be many, many more milestones and achievements you will conquer throughout the rest of your life, but oh my goodness~~~

My heart is so full~~~!

Love always,
Mama

백일

My Dearest Belle,

The day is finally here! You are 100 days old today~!!!

Where did the past 100 days go???

I used to sit there watching you and think about how FAR this day was. Those crazy days of 2-hour feeding cycles used to leave me feeling like the days were creeping by sooooooooo slowly… but here we are today. You have finally hit the 100-day benchmark, and I can’t believe this day is here.

I’m sure I’ll say the same thing about every benchmark you hit from this point on.

Yesterday, we had some of our family over to take some photos and share a simple dinner. I spent the morning running around picking up last-minute items for your 백일 table, then put together the setting as best as I could. It definitely helped that Ellen 이모 lent me the decorations for the most part, and your grandpa provided the 떡 cake for the table. So on the day of, all I had to do was pick-up some cupcakes and extra 떡 for the table, and it all came together beautifully.

The day went by so quickly and the event even quicker. After a few bites of dinner, I was ready for everyone to leave so that Papa and I could give you a bath and settle you down for bed. Unfortunately, people rarely act the way you want them to, sweetheart. Once everyone had their fill and left, I was exhausted and done.

If you end up being an introvert like me, you’ll know exactly what I meant by that last statement.

When you were swaddled and ready for bed, I took you into your room, company still present or not, and I held you, rocking, bouncing, and patting you for sleep. You struggled and fought the swaddle (like you normally do), but there was a moment when you rested your head on my shoulder. It was a brief moment, but in that second, all the weariness from the day melted away and I found myself taking a deep breath - breathing in your scent, then breathing out all the hectic frenzy of the day. I did that a few times until Papa came in to relieve me and put you to bed himself. Once you were down, we sat in the living room in wonder at how much you have grown, as well as how far we had come as parents.

You are so beautiful, and you are absolutely the apple of our eyes. And if the past 100 days are any indication, we are curious and excited beyond measure to see you continue to grow into the woman God has created you to be.

Love always,
Mama

Month THREE

My Dearest Belle,

You are three months old today, and your 백일 celebration is just around the corner. I remember soon after we brought you home from the hospital, your grandmothers would tell Papa and me that once we hit the 100-day mark, things will get easier - the feeding, sleeping, and the general 24/7 schedule of caring for you.

Every time they said it, I would think, “When is that day EVER going to come???”

The 100-day mark seemed so far away, and the day-to-day hardships of being stuck at home to care for a little but very demanding bundle (even a bundle of remarkable joy and love) had wrung me dry. And I have to admit: I was bitter. I am due back to work in a few days, and I resented having to leave you just when you would be more responsive and fun to be around. It felt like I had put in all this hard work, and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the fruits of the labor by being around to witness you hitting all the benchmarks I so looked forward to. What if I wasn’t home when you said your first word? Rolled over on your own for the first time? Took your first step? Papa would be working from home, so he had a nearly 100% chance of catching all these wonderful memories, and I would be consigned to getting a video after-the-fact.

The very thought of it still tears my heart into shreds.

I wanted to work from home, but I wasn’t allowed to. Instead, I was offered an early clock-out time along with Fridays off. And although I agreed to it, I wasn’t (and still am not) happy about it by any sense of the word. I hate having to leave you in someone else’s care - no matter how talented and experienced the nanny/sitter may be. I just want to be with you all the time… just be available and around you all the time…

I know that my working isn’t a bad thing for you at all, and I know that eventually, I’ll come to understand that this is better for us as a family. Papa keeps telling me that I can quit my job to stay home and be with you for your first year, at which point we’ll both feel more comfortable sending you to infant day care. But I also know that my doing so will cause us to live a very tight life financially. It would mean that I wouldn’t be able to buy you the things I want you to have, and I would also have to exercise caution regarding the things you need as well.

Is that what I truly want for you?

For our family?

More so than our wants vs. needs, I hated the idea of Papa doing the money math every other minute while feeling guilty about not being able to provide us both with the life he thinks we deserve.

So, I’m preparing my heart for the first day. I’m sure I’ll cry - I just hope I won’t sit at my desk crying the whole day. I know that you’ll be just as happy to see me when I come home at the end of the day and that nothing will wear down your attachment to me, but I’m still just torn up about having to leave you at all. I’m praying for strength and even joy in this, and I’m hoping that you’ll come to see and appreciate the fact that your mama is a working mom. That this would be an example that I can set for you in your future.

Love always,
Mama

Mother's Day

Dearest Belle,

Today was my very first Mother’s Day. It felt so surreal to be celebrated as a mom… to be celebrated as YOUR mom…

Papa and I have been so preoccupied with just surviving the day-to-day of being new parents that Papa didn’t have the mental wherewithal to prepare an extravagant event for me like he usually does.

He’s usually VERY good about planning surprises for me.

He did ask me to keep an eye on you so that he could run out and grab coffee and breakfast for us at 6 AM, but that was the extent of our celebration. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed, but the reality of our situation is that we’re parents of a 10-week-old baby in the middle of a pandemic.

The past few days, you’ve been sleeping longer stretches at night, and we THINK we’re finally figuring out how to put you down for the evening more efficiently. You still won’t nap in long stretches for anything, but at least you’re getting more sleep throughout the night. So it’s 9:40 PM, and you’re down for the count, giving Papa time to play his video game and me some time to reflect on this day and write you this letter.

Being your mama has been one of the most challenging tasks of my life. It has tested and stretched me in ways I’ve never experienced, but it has also taught me how to love deeper and more unconditionally than I ever thought possible. You are the miracle maker in my heart, and I am thankful everyday that I get to call you my baby.

These days, you’re smiling and responding more to my voice and my presence, and it has made a WORLD of difference in my psychology. It finally feels like I’m actually connecting with you and that, in and of itself, has been one of the greatest rewards and gifts I can receive as your mama. Every morning, when I wake you up and un-swaddle you, you greet the day by stretching your arms and legs, groaning and grunting (and oftentimes farting) as you release the sleepiness from your body. Then, our eyes meet, I say, “Good morning, my love”, and you smile…

It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life, and it lightens my heart like nothing has ever done before. Sometimes, I hold you in my arms, and I wonder to myself: Will I ever love anything or anyone as much as this little one???

Thank you for bringing so much joy and love into our family. Thank you for being a vessel through which Papa and I learn the Father’s heart more intimately. Thank you for making us parents - for making me a mama. Thank you for being my baby.

Love always,
Mama

Month TWO

My Dearest Belle,

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this past month flew by in a blur. The long days and sleepless nights seemed to never end, but here we are…

When we went in for your two-month check-up, you measured 25.5 in. long and weighed 13 lbs. 12.5 oz. You’re growing healthy and strong everyday, and it’s no wonder - you’re putting away 5 oz. of formula per meal now. We’ve had to graduate you to the big bottles, and Papa and I are both shocked and awed.

You’re getting better and better at tummy time, and in my eyes, I can already see you crawling around and getting into mischief everywhere. But you can’t even roll over yet, so crawling is still a long ways off, but a mama bear can dream.

Papa and I have been trying to get you to sleep less in the Ergobaby carrier and more in your crib. We know that this isn’t an easy task for a 2-month old, but we’re still trying each nap time and every night. You definitely don’t appreciate these new disciplines, but we’re told it’s the safest way for you to sleep. This is why we’re waiting with bated breath for you to roll over on your own so that we can stop swaddling you and let you sleep whichever way you want.

To say that these last two months have tested and stretched Papa and me would be a MASSIVE understatement. I feel like we’re being tested as a parent… adult… human… There are moments when I sit there staring at you while you scream your head off in utter and complete defeat. There are moments when I sit and cry with you because I feel so useless, hopeless and lost. There are moments when I get angry at you and myself.

Then you coo or smile.

Not even at me.

And the world’s alright again.

It’s amazing how quickly and thoroughly you melt our hearts (and fatigue)… How quickly and thoroughly we fall in love with you… How quickly and thoroughly you became our world.

We love you so much, Belle, and we know that it’s a love that’s only going to grow stronger and deeper as we grow stronger together as a family.

Love always,
Mama

Month ONE

My Dearest Belle,

Today, you are one month old.

WE SURVIVED!!!

Between birthing you, the 7-day stay in the NICU, and bringing you home to FINALLY figure out what it means to be a parent to you… it’s been a whirlwind of a month… and time certainly has flown by. Don’t get me wrong: there are still plenty of moments throughout the day when I think, “When will all this start to feel normal??? Will there ever be a normal again???”

And then, I look down at your milk-drunk face fighting sleep while so contently cozy in my arms, and everything else melts away. In that moment, I am overcome with you - your smell… your raspy breath… the way your hair curls out around your ears… how tiny you feel in my arms…

It hasn’t been easy for me to step into the role of your Mama. I’ve been going through a lot of ups and downs - things I will share with you when you are at an age when you’ll understand what it all means. But your Papa has not only stepped up to the plate, but fully embraced the role of your parent in all the ways that made me fall in love with him in the first place.

You and all the little things you do each day are evidence of the miracle that God has gifted us and a testament of how much He loves our family:

• You were able to lift and move your head on your own when you were only a little over a week old!

• You don’t seem to LOVE tummy time, but you do so well with it!

• Most newborns need about 1 oz. of milk per feeding, but you need 4 oz., and there are still days when you need more to finally get you satisfied and asleep.

  • By the way, formula should be able to keep you satiated for about 3-4 hours, but Papa and I are lucky if you stay asleep past 2.5 hours after your last meal.

• At your three-week check-up, you measured 24 in. and weighed 11 lbs. 6 oz. - right on the mark for a three-MONTH old.

• When we un-swaddle you after a nap, you like to stretch your arms and legs, and when you stretch both simultaneously, you’re almost too tall for the changing table that comes with your Pack & Play!

• You started with Size 1 diapers right off the bat, but Papa and I are thinking you’re now ready for Size 2 diapers already because the Size 1s seem a bit too tight for you now.

Although it seems like every day is an endless cycle of feeding, burping, changing, then putting you down for sleep, each day has been an adventure on its own, and Papa and I are enamored with you more and more with each passing hour. We can’t wait for the MANY firsts we have coming up for you, but we’re trying to remind ourselves that we need to savor these moments as much as we can before they flit away into the past…

Love always,
Mama

Jaundice & Genes

My Dearest Belle,

Papa and I both had jaundice as newborns. This is a fairly common issue amongst asian babies, and I expected some sort of run-in with it once I had a child of my own. God knows Papa and I were NOT ready for what was in store for us.

The day after you were born, the nurses took you to the nursery to draw some blood. Your bilirubin total level came back at 7.5 - JUST below the max line of 8. The pediatrician explained that it was too low for treatment, but too high to not be concerned.

Papa had forgotten to pack any extra socks or underwear in our go bag, so by the day after your birth, he was uncomfortable and ready to go home. I was feeling better than I thought I would (Papa started calling me Wolverine for my amazing healing powers), and I was eager to get home and sleep in my own bed again as well. So we made the decision to request a discharge that day. Part of the discharge process includes a number of tests for you to make sure you were healthy and safe enough to leave the hospital. You passed every other test with flying colors, and because of your bilirubin levels, the on-call pediatrician decided to send us home with a Bili-bed.

Her instructions were for us to strip you down to just your diapers and keep you on the bed throughout the weekend. Then, we were to call your regular pediatrician’s office first thing Monday morning for a save-day appointment to get an updated bilirubin level for you.

The problem was that you liked to b swaddled TIGHT when you slept. You had a tendency (like all newborns) to strike out your arms and legs in your sleep and scare yourself awake. So unless you were swaddled tightly, you wouldn’t be able to sleep soundly at all. The bili-bed provided no method for holding you down - just a cloth envelope that was supposed to keep you exposed to the LED lights from below. Papa and I tried a number of different methods, and when all else failed, we had to call the on-call pediatrician after hours to ask if there was ANYTHING else we can do to help you. Finally, we had to resort to using multiple swaddle blankets to literally tie you down and restrain you to the bed.

On Monday morning, we got ready and headed out to Dr. Phillips’ office. They took a measurement off your skin, then drew blood to get a more accurate reading. The skin test came back as 22… a big shocker to all of us. Dr. Phillips said that she wanted to wait for confirmation from the blood test before talking about actual treatment options, and so, we had another day of waiting ahead of us.

Papa and I tried to stay positive - Dr. Phillips said that of all the things that COULD be wrong with you, this was the BEST bad news we can get as new parents. But she called in the afternoon to confirm that your blood test showed a bilirubin level of 24.8, and she had already made arrangements with Cedars-Sinai’s NICU for you to be admitted for immediate treatment.

We were stunned, and everything else was on autopilot. We checked in to the NICU, where they told us to strip you down to your diapers, then they whisked you away into an incubator where they stuck an IV in you the size of your forearm, stuck a number of wires on you, laid you in an incubator, put on blindfolds to shield your eyes, then turned on the LED lights.

Papa and I sat there and watched you… helpless… powerless… scared out of our minds. Everybody told us that you were a BIG baby, but in that incubator - with all those wires hanging off of you, crying your lungs out because you had no idea where you were or what was going on - you looked so tiny and frail.

And it broke me.

Papa, of course, was strong for both of us, but I was completely and utterly broken. A few hours later, as the doctors were making their rounds, we were told that you would most likely need to stay until Wednesday. Given our genes, the doctor explained that Papa and I were pretty much guaranteed to go through this with every biological child we would have. Every. Child.

Papa decided that I should go home, and that he would stay the night to make sure you weren’t alone. He walked me to the valet, got me in the car, and sent me off for the night.

And I sobbed the entire way home.

The next day, I went back to the NICU bright and early to check in on you and Papa. I’m sure we were both a sight for sore eyes - neither of us had gotten any sleep. It was clear that we wouldn’t be able to keep this up until Wednesday and still have the strength to take care of you when we brought you home on Wednesday. So, it was decided that we would both go home, rest up, and come back later that night to visit you again.

And this began what would end up being a week-long struggle of visiting you at the NICU, waiting on test results, getting let down, crying my eyes out, then going home hoping for a better tomorrow. Your bilirubin levels kept lingering at 17, and every time they took you off the lights to see how you did, your numbers would keep rebounding, causing the doctors to put you back under the lights.

Then finally, on Saturday evening, we had a breakthrough. Your bilirubin level hit 13.3! The doctor asked if we could leave you there for just ONE more night - just so they could test you again the following morning after some more time without treatment to see if you would rebound again. We thought it was better to be safe than sorry, so we agreed.

The following morning, they ran your test at 5:00 AM with a rush on the results. Papa and I arrived at the NICU a little after 7:00 AM, and we were told soon after than your bilirubin level hit 13.6, and we were officially discharged to go home. Of course, we had to follow-up with Dr. Phillips first thing Monday morning, but we were finally allowed to take you home.

During this week, there were so many people praying for you - interceding on our behalf to ask God for his healing and intervention with the jaundice that just wouldn’t go away. Papa and I had so many family and friends constantly checking in on us - asking us how you were doing and how they could support us. It was a reaffirmation of just how loved we are as a family and how deeply you were cared for… and you were only a few days old!

It was a terrible and difficult week for Papa and me, but it was a reminder that we are surrounded by a community that loved and fought for us. It would have been easier for everyone to say, “Oh, jaundice is so common! You’ll be fine - don’t worry!” and let it be. But not the community we stand with - they kept asking for updates and poured out their prayers and encouragements to help keep Papa and me going.

You, my dearest Belle, were born of and into love.

Love always,
Mama

Welcome to the World

My Dearest Belle,

On Wednesday, February 24, 2021, a day before your due date, Papa and I went to bed talking about how much later you may be than your due date. Everyone around us told us that the first child comes later than the due date, and you weren’t showing any signs of popping out any time soon.

The next day, we woke up, Papa started his work day, and I was heating up a croissant in the air fryer when I felt my water break. Actually, I felt something pop, but I wasn’t sure if it was my water breaking or some other part of my body losing its form and function thanks to pregnancy. I was so confused that I had to call the doctor’s office and describe the sensation to make sure. We were told to check in to labor and delivery.

So, on February 25, 2021, Papa and I grabbed our go bag and made our way to the hospital. On the way there, I kept telling Papa that this could all be a false alarm - that we could check-in and have them tell us that you weren’t ready yet. To be honest, I was saying that more for myself than Papa. The thought of going through delivery was so scary and nerve-wracking. I had so many women around me telling me one horror story after another about labor pains (the contractions, the epidural) and delivery (the pushing, the tearing). I just didn’t know what bringing you into this world had in store for me, and while I was anxious to birth you and finally hold you in my arms, I was scared about the whole process.

Papa and I got admitted, and the waiting game began. The contractions started coming faster and more intensely, and I laid there thanking God for whoever it was that invented the epidural. It took about 15 hours of breathing through contractions, including about two hours of pushing, to get you out. And on Friday, February 26, 2021 at 1:54 AM, you took your first breath in the world.

As soon as you were born, the nurses whisked you off to get weighed and measured, then they plopped you on me for skin-to-skin time. You were this long, lanky thing covered in goop, and the nurses kept toweling you off, trying to get you to cry just a little louder. I held you there… squirming and crying… a wave of a million different emotions crashing over me as I realized that you were finally here. Then came the biggest shocker:

“She’s 10 lb. 9 oz., and she’s 23 in. long!”

Granted, I didn’t have a basis for how much taller you were than other average newborns, but just three weeks prior, I was told that you were 6 lb. 11 oz. and well on track to be an average-sized baby at full term. I was expecting a newborn weighing in around 7 lb. and some odd ounces… not a 10.5 pounder.

It took me some time to wrap my brain around what had just happened. Then it all hit me:

All those years of waiting and praying for you… the rounds and rounds of fertility treatments… the tears… the angst… the daily injections… this procedure… that procedure…

Everything culminated into the moment when I realized that you were really and finally here.

And just like that, you turned Papa and me into parents.

And there will NEVER be enough words in all the languages of the world to express to you just how thankful we are that you are here.

Papa and I will make mistakes… we will do the wrong things at the wrong times… we will have moments when we break down and lose our heads… we will question our competence and will in this fight… but just know: everything we ever do will stem from our love for you and our commitment to be good parents to you and good stewards to God who chose us to parent you on this earth.

Love always,
Mama