My Dearest Belle,
You are three months old today, and your 백일 celebration is just around the corner. I remember soon after we brought you home from the hospital, your grandmothers would tell Papa and me that once we hit the 100-day mark, things will get easier - the feeding, sleeping, and the general 24/7 schedule of caring for you.
Every time they said it, I would think, “When is that day EVER going to come???”
The 100-day mark seemed so far away, and the day-to-day hardships of being stuck at home to care for a little but very demanding bundle (even a bundle of remarkable joy and love) had wrung me dry. And I have to admit: I was bitter. I am due back to work in a few days, and I resented having to leave you just when you would be more responsive and fun to be around. It felt like I had put in all this hard work, and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the fruits of the labor by being around to witness you hitting all the benchmarks I so looked forward to. What if I wasn’t home when you said your first word? Rolled over on your own for the first time? Took your first step? Papa would be working from home, so he had a nearly 100% chance of catching all these wonderful memories, and I would be consigned to getting a video after-the-fact.
The very thought of it still tears my heart into shreds.
I wanted to work from home, but I wasn’t allowed to. Instead, I was offered an early clock-out time along with Fridays off. And although I agreed to it, I wasn’t (and still am not) happy about it by any sense of the word. I hate having to leave you in someone else’s care - no matter how talented and experienced the nanny/sitter may be. I just want to be with you all the time… just be available and around you all the time…
I know that my working isn’t a bad thing for you at all, and I know that eventually, I’ll come to understand that this is better for us as a family. Papa keeps telling me that I can quit my job to stay home and be with you for your first year, at which point we’ll both feel more comfortable sending you to infant day care. But I also know that my doing so will cause us to live a very tight life financially. It would mean that I wouldn’t be able to buy you the things I want you to have, and I would also have to exercise caution regarding the things you need as well.
Is that what I truly want for you?
For our family?
More so than our wants vs. needs, I hated the idea of Papa doing the money math every other minute while feeling guilty about not being able to provide us both with the life he thinks we deserve.
So, I’m preparing my heart for the first day. I’m sure I’ll cry - I just hope I won’t sit at my desk crying the whole day. I know that you’ll be just as happy to see me when I come home at the end of the day and that nothing will wear down your attachment to me, but I’m still just torn up about having to leave you at all. I’m praying for strength and even joy in this, and I’m hoping that you’ll come to see and appreciate the fact that your mama is a working mom. That this would be an example that I can set for you in your future.
Love always,
Mama