My dearest Belle,
Today, we had to start you with a new sitter.
Sabrina just stopped showing up one day, so I had to scramble to find someone to take care of you while I was at work. It took a couple weeks, but we were able to find someone new. The catch was that I had to drop you off and pick you up from their place everyday.
It was heartbreaking leaving you at home with someone new while I went to work… and now, I have to leave you in someone else’s home everyday…
The new sitters are wonderful - they’re a married couple who are retired and spending their days taking care of babies in their home to earn some spending money. The couple times we met with them, they seemed so loving and doted on you so much that I’m not worried about your care. What rips me apart most is that you’ll be cared for by someone who’s not me.
I dropped you off this morning, and I just didn’t know how to say bye and leave. I kept holding on to your little hands grasping my finger so tightly, and I didn’t want to leave. I broke down crying in front of the sitter and had to just turn around and leave. I ran down the stairs, got in the car, and sobbed the entire way to the office. The whole time, I kept thinking:
If only we had the money…
If only I didn’t have to work…
If only I could work from home…
I hate the idea of not being your main caretaker when you’re this little. Papa wanted us to take care of you at home until you were at least 1. But our financial situation just didn’t allow for me to not work.
Apparently, you didn’t cope too well with the separation either. The sitter texted saying that you cried inconsolably for 20-30 minutes after I left.
That text alone broke me all over again.
But she followed it up with photos and a video of you relaxed, napping, and smiling.
It was bittersweet, but I was relieved that you were adjusting well to the new environment - far better than I’m doing. Once again, I’m finding that you’re so much stronger than I am.
I brought you home, fed you dinner, and spent some time just playing with you. I wanted to reconnect with you. I wanted to just be with you. I missed you sooooooooo much all day. Tomorrow’s going to be another day, and it’ll (hopefully) be easier to part with you - I’m hoping there will be no more tears on both our ends.
I’m telling myself that this, too, will lead to something bigger and better for you… that God will work this to be a source of blessing and growth for you that you wouldn’t be able to experience otherwise. I keep telling myself that to ensure that I can be strong for both of us tomorrow morning… and the morning after that… and the morning after that…
As with all the choices I make in regards to you, I really pray and hope that this is the right choice - not just for you, but for us as a family.
Love always,
Mama